Today I met a 23 year-old women who had a cloth napkin and placemat collection that I would typically find in the home of a 65 year-old woman who lives in a gated community in Altadena. This “young woman” lived in a “hip” apartment in downtown LA. Hip, she was not. Nice, she was. Help her, I did…(said in Yoda voice).

Like the scene from Sophie’s choice, this young women begged me to allow her to keep her placemats. My response…“NEIN!” I ripped those mats out of her hands and sent them to the incinerator. The girl was in trouble. She was a burgeoning shopaholic trying to fill a void and she didn’t…even…know it.

Not long after finding the placemats and napkins, I opened up another cupboard and shrieked! I saw the ultimate unholy of unholy items… HOLIDAY THEMED DISHWARE! This woman already had holiday themed dishware at the young age of 23. I could see her future…cabinets, a garage, and possibly a storage unit full of holiday themed decor and tons of other stuff she didn’t need. Going through life with an unquenchable never-ending need to purchase…Money burnt …contention in her marriage…having to purchase a larger home or more storage space to contain it all. Not to mention hundreds of pounds of crap for the ocean just from one human being…I’ve seen it a million times. It’s why I’ve been in business since 2014 (blessed).

More than organizing, if I did my job right I would to convey to her why it was important that she stop buying this stuff. If she listened, I could potentially save her hundreds of thousands of dollars (unnecessarily large home/storage unit/divorce lawyer) as well as mother earth.

“How can you not like my Santa plates?” She asked as she held one up. “They’re sooooo cuuuuuuuute!” I stood staring at the Santa plate. There was so much I wanted to communicate but I was overwhelmed by a barrage of images…the dawn of time… dinosaurs roaming the earth… the first eel slithering onto shore… the first ape to stand upright and slowly transitioning into man...that man procreating with a woman in a beastly way…that man, woman and their children sitting in a cave around a fire eating freshly cooked meat…off of a Santa plate. Then, I saw it, a Peleton bike in the corner of the cave. But rather than convey all of that, I opted for a more succinct reply and said, “These Santa plates are everything that is wrong with humanity. You don’t need them. Nobody needs them. And when the food is on the plate you can’t even see Santa.”

Throughout the years, I’ve gone into homes and encountered many different kinds of shopaholics…

Fast fashion shopaholics: As impulsive buyers their closets are overflowing with fast fashion clothes that still have the tags on them. They will buy the same shirt or skirt over and over without realizing it until I lay it out for them. Despite the fact they wear only 10% of what is in their closet they tell me they don’t have enough room and they need a bigger home. Their stuff will often start to take over their partner’s closet. The poor bastards know they can’t win – they love it when I say the same thing they’ve been saying to their lady all along… “ya got too much stuff, woman!”

 TIP: If you see something you want, wait one week, if you still NEED it you can get it. Buy classic/timeless, not trendy. Wear what makes you feel powerful and confident. Even better…wear virtually that same thing everyday (save brain power, like Einstein did) and then invest that money else where like on a chicken coup or books.

 Snake oil shopaholics: People who subscribe to once a month mailed deliveries of overpriced unregulated miracle products in an overly marketing package promising quick fix solutions, like Sakara, Moon Juice, Prose, or doTerra which is a PYRAMID SCHEME! Or anything that GOOP advertises!

Whenever I work in these homes I usually have to step over a huge pile of unopened Amazon boxes or subscription deliveries to get inside. They have called me because they know they need help managing the chaos but they don’t really want to address the REAL problem. They subscribe to a quick fix to their physical ailments, such as detox tea. I tell them to cancel this crap because it’s modern day snake oil. I know I look like a raving lunatic to them. I can tell by the look in their eyes, which are reflecting my raving lunatic eyes. So I try another angle and appeal to logic…I point out that most of this crap has expired because they are too busy to remember to use it so it is money wasted. Money wasted on said snake oil, but also on having to hire someone to help them organize it aka me. Yes, yes, they tell me, they will cancel. But they usually forget, which is EXACTLY what the snake oil savy marketing teams count on. They know their target customer is the busy professional women, who wants to invest in her wellness and has the money to do so but not the time to remember to cancel the crap (Ka-ching!).

 If you still don't believe that it’s overly marketed crap, do me a fav and listen to the “MOON JUICE” episode of the MAINTENANCE PHASE PODCAST.

I FEEL GUILTY I DON’T SPEND ENOUGH TIME WITH MY KIDS SO I BUY THEM STUFF SHOPAHOLICS: These people are extremely sensitive to criticism. They are stressed out and riddled with guilt. I know this because they tell me. These moms are often alone in child rearing as their husbands are absent workaholic breadwinners or they too work and so they employ a nanny/nannies. I go into these homes and usually all of the rooms are scattered with toys. Even if their kid is only 6 months old it will have more clothing than some fully-grown adults have collected in a lifetime. They don’t see that it is illogical to have more than one closet full of brand new clothes for a 6 month old, which they will grow out of in 6 months. They don't see this amount of toys no longer has an impact on the child’s happiness. It’s now just a chaotic house overflowing with too much stuff.

BORDERLINE HOARDERS/HOARDERS: I don’t work with hoarders, but some of my clients are wealthy enough that I don’t see that they are shopaholics and hoarders until I open the closets and drawers. Their maids and housekeepers are constantly managing the overflow by sweeping it under the proverbial rug. They have most likely been given an ultimatum by their husbands OR WIVES and are extremely sensitive and defensive. They cannot be reasoned with, they will end up vilifying me and everyone else to justify their behavior. I am not able to work with these people as professional help is needed, which I tell the partner who hired me.

 COLLECTORS: Collecting stuff is almost always a cluttery and dorky endeavor, unless it’s art. You have to be willing to spend to do it right and even then it’s rarely worth it. I once went into a very large home in a gated community. Standing on the outside you would never know most of the rooms were dedicated to displaying miniature trains. This man and his wife hired me to make their home “make sense,” they said this as a miniature train snaked along the floor in living room below their TV and around old Christmas décor that apparently sat out all year round at his request (I guess so the train had something to ride around?). There was an elephant in the room…I saw it look up at me caged, riding on train. When I looked to the wife she communicated to me with a glance that it was best I join in pretending this hobby of train collecting was not the problem. She’d been down these train tracks before. The trains had to stay, and I had to find a way to work a miracle. My solution was to stage some of the trains in a way that didn’t impede on daily functioning and to chuck most of them in the garage. As for the holiday décor, I stepped up to this man and sternly said, “Christmas…is…OVER.” Then I boxed it all up and chucked it into the garage too. In the end the wife thanked me as if I had just exorcised a demon from the home. Sometimes people just need a third party mediator to facilitate change.

 THE MALE SHOPAHOLIC: Far more common than you might think. I once went into a four car garage filled with every new gadget and gizmo from the Apple store (burn in hell, Steve) and Best buy, dozens of designer luggage, sports equipment, jackets, shoes…his three sports cars couldn’t fit in the garage so they sat outside. The wife informed me that she and her husband were newly divorced because of his addiction and that he had put them in a significant amount of debt. Luckily her parents were wealthy and she and the kids were taken care of. I was hired to help this guy whittle all his stuff down and get it out and into his sad new man cave. Stuff ruins lives!

Another male shopping addict I worked for who was wealthy and had very good taste, had overstuffed his two story Hollywood Hills home and he too wanted a miracle. He was constantly traveling to Japan, Thailand and bringing home incredible art, dishware, and clothing. But he had so much stuff that it filled up both floors. His proposed solution was to get a bigger place. I told him his problem – “you’ve got too much stuff… Even though it’s top quality, you don’t need it. It’s impeding your ability to function in your home…I put my hand and on his shoulder and said, “You’ve got a shopping addiction, my friend.” He told me a bit about his family history. It was sad. He had a void he needed to fill and shopping was a way to treat himself and compensate for his workaholism.

 PEOPLE WHO BUY HOLIDAY THEMED DISHWARE AKA. THE DEMONICALLY POSSESSED: People who buy holiday dishware are sentimental softies. They LOVE the holidays, even the stupidest ones like Easter and Valentines day. They love gatherings and entertaining and decorating, which is great, but they tend to overdo it on the stuff. Their homes and garages fill up and spill over. They are impulsive shopaholics with good intentions but who are also inadvertently fucking the planet with a chainsaw. It’s not their fault really, it’s the people who make the stuff and dangle it in front of us as a means of distraction from starting the revolution :/

One woman I worked for who lived in a huge historical home had so much holiday themed dishware that she had to store it on the bookshelves in her large high-vaulted ceiling den/ pool hall. Her husband and teenage sons played pool surrounded by stacked plates. It looked like the Madhatters tea party. I got right to the point, “you need to get rid of it all.” Her husband and kids were silent. They couldn’t believe I was so blunt. She looked at me shocked then challenged me with her own blunt reply, “no.” We were officially at war…I said “what do you want me to do then?” She told me she wanted me to make it look better, to style it all on the bookshelves. I told her that I would not do that because it would be impossible to make it look good. It was awkward. This woman had placed so much sentimental value on this stuff that her own family had given up and distanced themselves from her in a way. They knew she was unreasonable and now it was made even more evident. It was easier for them to placate her. But I wasn’t afraid and decided to sacrifice myself, yet again, for the sake of her family, the environment, and the future of humanity. I told her this was a more serious problem than she realized. Collecting this much stuff was not healthy, that it looked terrible, was impeding their ability to function in their home, and that her family was suffering in more ways that she was aware of because of her ridged resistance. She was shocked. It was a sobering moment. I was thanked for my time and left. The Grinch had stolen another Christmas…onto the next house…

WHY DO WE BECOME ADDICTED TO SHOPPING?

Often the reason we go shopping is unconnected to any urgent material need. We often shop to persuade the world that we are worthwhile interesting people. We often shop for emotional rather than practical reasons. A lot of consumption is often about acquiring status symbols. Material objects whose primary use is psychological. They are objects that signal to the world that we are worth of dignity and respect.

How do I fill my void in a healthy way, if not buying stuff, you ask?

Doing what I do, I am highly averse to buying “stuff.” I know that stuff will never satisfy. Stuff is not MY problem. But there are many other forms of distraction and ways to temporarily fill the void…like overeating or drinking when bored or sad (check), or re-watching Game of Thrones, over and over and over (guilty), with cats (I’ll take two), workaholism (one free hour with every referral ;), drugs (I grow my own, thanks), or sex (batteries not included) …

What I know to be true is that the happiest homes I go into all prioritize family, friends, and community. I enjoy setting up their home to be able to more efficiently cater to entertaining and hosting family. I will help them decorate, fix their lighting, buy furniture, add plants, etc… When they ask me if they should buy a new set of dishware for the holidays…I’m sure you can guess what my answer is.

COMMUNITY IS EVERYTHING!

But sadly it is what most people lack in modern day society. We are gated off from our neighbors. In LA most of us drive all day and interact with very few people. No time. Never enough money. The divide between the haves and the have-nots grows wider everyday. We as individuals become helpless and apathetic to the sociopaths at the top of the monopolies and the homeless on the street. We are all disconnected by capitalism and stuff we think will make us happy.

 Vive la revolution!

“Happy people live with purpose. They find joy in lasting relationships, working toward their goals, and living according to their values. The happy person is not enamored with material goods or luxury vacations. This person is fine with the simple pleasures of life—petting a dog, sitting under a tree, enjoying a cup of tea.” Well said Al.

Xoxo