PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZER PROVIDES THE SOLUTION TO THE DESTRUCTION OF THE PLANET

I’ve been organizing stranger’s homes in California  since 2014… touching their things and moving them around like John Nash in A BEAUTIFUL MIND…The Golden State Organizer, if you will… In this time I have gleaned much information about the American household, and it haunts my days…

Sometimes I have PTSD flashbacks… I think of my clients throwing bins of Legos in the trash because they “just can’t deal.” I imagine their one-time-use plastic novelty items, like Mardi Gra style necklaces with mini football beads, bought for Super Bowl Sunday, later floating in the ocean around a 100 year old Tortoises neck – “they were too cute not to buy,” she said. Watching my clients dry their hands with paper towels - we don’t need all those trees in the amazon rainforest anyway. The cupboards overflowing with paper and plastic grocery bags because they were too busy to remember to bring their reusable bags to the grocery store. Drawers of loose sentimental baby teeth rattling around… 

Occasionally, I’m able to help my clients make #littlechanges… I’ll set up a tea towel for them to dry their hands and explain why #littlechanges like this are important because if we don’t, one day their grandchildren will have to fight in the great resource wars and how everyone in the future will be assigned one single canteen at birth for their water, and if they lose that canteen they will have to fight to the death in order to get another. But these prophetic words of wisdom often fall on deaf ears and are reciprocated with placating nods. 

One night, as I tossed and turned, envisioning dolphins being weighted down to the ocean floor after ingesting too many loose Legos, the solution came to me… And no, it’s not rocketing everyone on Earth to Mars, Elon…

WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS  MAKE IT ILLEGAL TO MANUFACTURE AND SELL CRAP…

SIMPLE, EASY. I JUST SAVED THE PLANET (CAN I BE CONSIDERED A GENIUS TOO? OR DO I NEED TO  SHUTTLE YOU AT HYPERSPEED IN A WINDOWLESS POD TO VEGAS  FIRST?)

Much like during the Corona Virus pandemic, individuals can’t be trusted to do a goddamned thing right (oh no she’s getting political), which is why countries with the strictest lockdowns were the most successful at lowering and even halting infections. God forbid we denied people their “freedom” for an entire month. And since the government didn’t want to pay Americans to stay home (or do anything that resembles communism in the slightest) it’s costing them, and us, much much more. And yet it was all so predictable…literally… the WHO and the US Gov predicted the carnage. But the American people whined and pouted, like a petulant children begging their parents to let them eat an entire bag of candy. Even though the government knew it would give them a tummy ache they gave them that bag of candy, instead of making them sit down, shut up, and eat a fucking “commie” salad.

American consumers are self-enslaved zombies. We buy stuff we don’t need, which in effect makes us miserable whilst also destroying the planet. WE’VE KNOWN THIS FOR DECADES, and yet we continue to click hoping for a different outcome each time. To once and for all fill the void.

Do you remember the time before Amazon?

Before we were a bunch of reckless self-indulgent heathens? I don’t either… But if we lived without Amazon once we can do it again. The convenience of Amazon doesn’t make our lives richer or save us time so we can become more enlightened. It does the exact opposite. It’s turning us all into a bunch of spoiled self-isolating apathetic characterless drones. Every time we click the ‘PLACE YOUR ORDER” button, we deforest the forest and dig our own graves a little deeper. 

It’s in my humble opinion, dear reader, that TECHNOLOGY IS THE DEVIL! And with every new gizmo invented we become further estranged from the true nature of humanity, as well as literal nature. If I had my druthers I’d ban electricity, Amazon, your precious Elon Musk would be headed (pun intended) to the guillotine. Honestly, between us, I would blow some shit up if I knew I could get away with it. And with every passing year that goes by, the more I know in my heart of hearts that prostitution should be legalized and that Ted Kaczynski’s The Industrial Revolution and Its Consequences a work of real genius. Must I state that I obviously do not condone targeting and blowing people up? Must I? Maybe I musk (pun intended), as only a few sentences ago I spoke of blowing things up. THINGS though, not people. But if you strapped Elon to a rocket and then gave me the launch button, I’m not sure I could resist… “TO THE MOON, ALICE!” I’d say. 

Unethical consumerism is worse than being a drug, gambling, or porn addict because it’s making the earth uninhabitable. Wah wah…

It’s going to take a couple of decades before we are all personally impacted on a daily basis…When our stuff starts being shipped box-less because the rainforest has been decimated by fires and deforestation, thus making the air unbreathable. Not to mention how parts of the earth will be uninhabitable because they will be solely designated for piles of plastic the size of small countries. When the water turns off for parts of the day…when our urine turns black (google it).

Unfortunately, capitalism Trumps (pun intended) environmentalism, which is why emotionally stunted “geniuses” like Elon Musk are allowed to pop-off figurative extensions of their penis into space on a weekly basis, build high-speed tunnels to Vegas and mass-produce flamethrowers. Until there is an ethical regulation committee of consumerism (who, let’s face it, will most likely be paid off by the very companies they need to shut down), we will continue to progress in the opposite direction of positive change. 

So you see, it’s up to you/us, the individual consumer, to make ethical choices when we shop, until the day a terminator from the future goes back in time and tells Thomas Edison that after he invents electricity the planet goes to hell. #turnoffthelights

SO STOP BUYING INDIVIDUAL TOOTH FLOSSERS! Need I explain why this invention is idiotic, unnecessary, and detrimental to the earth? Can’t you see the tiny handle stuck inside a tortoise’s nose? Just because you can make it, doesn’t mean you should (I’m talkin’ to you Elon).  The atomic bomb, electric can openers, or anything made by the company Chef’n are all tools of the goddammed devil! 

Do you think the #littlechanges I suggest are inconvenient? Does your arm get tired when you have to hand-mix as oppose to use that hundred pound four-hundred dollar KitchenAid mixer? Well, I hope you are cursed to live long enough and witness the future, when your grandchildren are fighting in the great resource wars, with canteens of water around their necks. You can bet your ass when they go grocery shopping they don’t forget their reusable bags, because if they do, it will be 10 lashings in the town square. In the future, there will be no coddling or convenience. There will be no storage units full of sentimental crap like baby teeth or holiday-themed dishware, but there will be blood, gentle reader. There will be blood. 

XOXO Gossip Girl

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